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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25674367">The Drug In Me Is You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/smeadow/pseuds/smeadow'>smeadow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Jealousy, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Female Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:55:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,094</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25674367</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/smeadow/pseuds/smeadow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>William T. Spears is the CEO of a company, but despite his position and being financially independent, he's a very miserable man. He isn't sure what to do when he begins an affair with his redheaded secretary. He tries to push her away over and over again, but she refuses to let him get rid of her. When he finally gives in and begins to engage with her sexually, she thinks he's finally returned her feelings, only to find out he still feels nothing for her. Will he accept her feelings and let her love him, or will he dismiss her and continue to break her heart?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sebastian Michaelis/Grell Sutcliff, William T. Spears/Grell Sutcliff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Drug In Me Is You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a regular Monday afternoon. William was working overtime as usual, busy with paperwork and finance reports, and all the other tasks that came along with being the CEO of a very successful company. Working overtime was something he got used to rather quickly, even at the beginning of his career. While it impacted his health negatively, he still didn't mind spending his days working, even if it meant working his entire <em>days </em>away.</p><p>At least it helped him forget his depressing reality. He was a very hard worker, but it had made him worn out, and he gained nothing in return other than money. And money can't buy happiness. But true happiness didn't exist. That's what his father had told him growing up. He was told he just needed to get a good education, a good job, or else he would amount to <em>nothing</em>. So he listened to all of it, without question.</p><p>It had twisted his sense of self completely. He went from a boy who felt pain and neglection, to a man who couldn't feel anything as he walked past the <span class="pwa pwa1 pwa-color pwa-red">echoey</span> hallways at university. He was always one step ahead of everyone else academically, but so behind with everything else. But he kept his head held high and hid his pain. He had to become a worthy son. And that was the only way his father was acknowledging his worth.</p><p>He had questioned his life and the purpose of existence throughout his whole upbringing. His father never gave him an answer to why he had to work hard, but as he got older, it was apparent that it was just the cruel reality of life on earth. If you didn't become <em>someone,</em> then you'd be <em>nobody</em>. But then, <em>what was the purpose</em>? Why did he have to be born in such a horrible place surrounded by nothing but greed and pain?</p><p>
  <em>You ruined my life, father. You made me into this pathetic excuse of a human. You made my life so unbearable to live. I should just... end my existence.</em>
</p><p>William had cut ties with his father a while ago. He had a sense of clarity for the first time in his life as he realised that his whole <span class="pwa pwa1 pwa-color pwa-blue">life,</span> he had been pressured and surely groomed by his father, whose true aim was to live off of him. He had been planning for a future so calculated and to not even benefit himself, but his father.</p><p>He spent the upcoming years alone, and he felt like he had entered a void he couldn't seem to escape. Even though he excelled at work and climbed his way all up to the top, his approach to life wouldn't change. He was made into this world, and he just had to accept the cruel reality of it. He decided it was just how it had to be. It ought to have been imprinted into his very soul that he had to be this miserable man, who hated everyone and everything. </p><p>However, there was something, no, <em>someone </em>in his life that did stand out. Her name was Grell. <em>Grell Sutcliff.</em></p><p>The woman had an immense amount of red hair that went all the way to her tailbone. Her bright green eyes were framed with nearly the same red coloured glasses as her hair, which she always had sitting lower on her nose to make her look more seductive. Not that <em>he </em>thought she was, it was solely a study of her flirtatious personality and her whole aura that seemed to radiate of romantic energy.</p><p>Grell had been his secretary and assistant ever since he got his current position, which meant he had spent a lot of time with her up until now. She was always so eager to do everything she could in his favour. However, she made it her daily habit to mess up, and it drove him mad. Sometimes he wasn't certain if she did it on purpose just so he could tell her off (which appeared to be the only way she'd get his attention), or if it was because of her clumsy nature. <em>Maybe both. </em></p><p>Every morning she'd come into his office, all dolled up with a cup of coffee for him. Her perfume smelled of red roses, which always seemed to linger on his clothes and greeted him every time she'd step into his office. It had given him migraines countless of times, but now that they had been working together for so long he had gotten used to the fragrance. Maybe even <em>comforted</em> by it.</p><p>William knew she had been infatuated with him since day one. She'd regularly flirt with him and bother him in any way she could. She would remind him of how handsome he was and how she couldn't help 'getting lost in his eyes' whenever he'd get mad at her for not paying attention. She thought if she kept on batting her eyelashes at him, he'd eventually end up fancying her. But, no matter how close she'd get or how much she'd tease him, he wouldn't let his stoic wall crumble. </p><p>The worst part, he thought, was how she'd act that way around him while they were around others in the office. Or even worse, outside of the office where people <em>definitely</em> could assume the two were a couple. The idea made William very uncomfortable. He'd snap at her and tell her to stop being clingy and to 'act like a normal human being'. It made her happy in the sense that they sounded like an old married couple and they had been told so countless times, which annoyed him to no end but made Grell's eyes lit up in satisfaction.</p><p>Even if she painted some colour into his dull life, he frankly couldn't stand her behaviour. To put it simply, she was a handful. He didn't pay much attention to her unless she had done something work-related that he was happy with. Though William wasn't the type to show emotion, she could always tell when his expression would soften, and that was the closest she had ever gotten to see him smile.</p><p>It was only a few months ago when William had unexpectedly let his guard down and <em>surrendered</em>. He was drawn in by her alluring eyes and those plump, red lips. Maybe it was because as of late he had downed one too many glasses of whiskey and it had clouded his judgement. He didn't <em>feel </em>anything for her, god <em>no</em>, but he wanted to test her out. He was becoming desperate, and she had been driving him right to the fucking edge.</p><p>
  <strong>Later that day. 6:45 PM</strong>
</p><p>William was seated in his office. Not behind his desk and working as he should, but on his black leather couch. He had dismissed the workload that now awaited him on his desk, and it quickly came back to gnaw at the back of his head. </p><p>Grell had come in to check on him, as she always did when it was getting a bit too late for her liking. He hadn't even noticed her entering as he sat there, a glass of whiskey in his hand and his gaze fixated on the busy streets of London. He'd been sitting there for hours, listening to the rain tapping against the glass windows as his thoughts spun out of control. He thought of <em>her</em>. Of his <em>father</em>. Of his <em>life</em>. </p><p>The buzzed feeling he knew all too well, finally intruded on his senses. He felt dizzy, <em>distant,</em> and he almost thought he had entered a state of melancholy, feeling even emptier than before. And he thought drinking would ease his sorrow, not make it worse. </p><p>That's when he felt soft and slender hands touch his shoulders, and he slowly noticed Grell's presence. Their eyes met in the reflection of the glass window, and she smiled at him. Soft, loving, almost too warm. He didn't understand that look at all. Why did she look at him like that?</p><p>''Oh, <em>dear</em>, you're so tense...'' Grell said with a gasp as her fingers kneaded into his stiff shoulders. Like he didn't already know that. His life wasn't a cakewalk, and she should have known that by now.</p><p>He hurriedly leaned over the glass table and poured himself a fourth glass of the foul liquor and sipped on it as her hands kept working on his muscles. He might as well just drown everything out.</p><p>''<em>William</em>, you shouldn't drink at work.''</p><p>He rolled his eyes. The way she'd chastise him as a mere child was something he despised. It was his life, his decisions. Why did she even care? He stared through her reflection and back to the busy life outside. Why did he even bother anymore?</p><p>''And, you shouldn't work yourself so hard... I get <em>worried, </em>dear.''</p><p>Her hands wandered down the front of his chest, and her arms came to embrace him.</p><p>''Quit that.'' He pulled away and turned to look back at her with a warning look on his face, ''If you're going to keep this up I'm going to have you fired. You wouldn't want that, now would <em>you</em>?''</p><p>She playfully gasped in response as if to play his words off like he was simply teasing, although he was serious. But, the alcohol had made his speech slightly more slurred, and his rosy cheeks made Grell giggle. He quirked an eyebrow at her. Did she really just play him for a fool?</p><p>''Ohhh, I'm so <em>so</em> sorry, Will. Of course, I understand! I'll <em>behave</em>...''</p><p>''Don't even try me, Grell. I <em>said</em>, if you keep this up, I'm going to have you fired. And you know damn well I'm <em>very</em> capable of doing that.''</p><p>''Oh <em>dear</em>, you don't need to be like that, you know? If you'd only accept your feelings for me, then-''</p><p>''<em>Grell</em>, I don't have any feelings for you.''</p><p>That wasn't a lie, he was sure of it. <em>Maybe</em>.</p><p>William knew that if he'd let anyone close, he'd end up hurt. <em>Like he wasn't already hurt enough.</em> He didn't need some ridiculous woman like Grell in his life to make him feel alive. He wouldn't allow himself to crave another human. But the alcohol made him <em>want </em>to explore those feelings, despite it all.</p><p>''Oh, <em>Will</em>. How you wound me~''</p><p>Grell crawled into his lap with each leg on each side of his thighs with a smirk. She grabbed his tie and pulled him close to her face, and he was too sluggish to even react. He was allowing this to happen, and he couldn't even back out of it before her lips crashed against his. He couldn't think, only allow his mouth to open, and let her tongue slide into his mouth. </p><p>The mix of alcohol and arousal made his heart race, and he felt different, <em>strange</em>. He wasn't sure what emotion he felt, but he didn't mind it. Grell suddenly broke the kiss and leaned back a bit to take off her mauve coat. He stared at her, curious about her next move.</p><p>''Fuck me.''</p><p>And William had complied. Without a second thought, he had fucked her mercilessly on his desk like a complete madman.</p><p>He almost didn't realise what he had done until he came hard, balls deep inside of her. He felt himself being to panic as he met her gaze. She looked... <em>happy</em>. Red lipstick and mascara were smeared and her eyes hazy from how hard he had fucked her. He pulled out and wiped the pleasure off of his face as he regained some sense of dignity and glared down at her with his usual stoic and cold expression.</p><p>''This doesn't mean anything to me. And don't think it's going to happen again. <em>Leave</em>.''</p><p>For the first time since they had met, he had seen her otherwise lively bright green eyes fill with tears. She was already a sobbing mess as he threw her out of his office, not even fully dressed, like the monster of a man he was. </p><p>It all happened too fast for him to comprehend. All the emotions he had felt to this very moment made him feel nauseated, and the ringing in his ears became overwhelming. With a shaky hand, he suffocated the foreign emotions with the remainder of the whiskey until he passed out on the couch. Curled up in a ball like a mere child, and it was the only comfort he needed as he passed out to the soothing sound of the rain falling against the windows.</p>
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